"Gout"

"The VIP Disease I Never Asked For"

"Gout: The VIP Disease I Never Asked For"

Dear Readers,

So apparently, I’ve been diagnosed with gout, a.k.a. the “rich man’s disease.”

First of all, where’s my mansion?
Where’s my butler?
Where’s my yacht named Uric Acid Princess?

Because the only rich thing about me is the flavour of my suffering.

They say gout comes from “excess.” Excess meat. Excess wine. Excess seafood.
Let me be very clear:
I’ve eaten instant noodles marinated in regret for three weeks straight.
The closest I’ve gotten to seafood is the smell wafting from the alley behind the fish market.

And wine?
I once got drunk off the fumes of a spilled bottle someone else dropped.

So why, dear medical gods, do I have a disease historically reserved for kings and lords and people who wear gold slippers indoors?
Why am I limping like a royal who’s just finished a feast of roast duck and red wine when I’ve been surviving on stolen ketchup packets and charity bread?

I didn’t choose the gout life.
The gout life broke into my cardboard box and chose me.

Doctors say, “Just avoid red meat, alcohol, and stress.”
Buddy, I avoid meat because I can’t afford it.
I avoid alcohol because I need to stay sober to survive the night.
And stress? That’s my emotional support blanket.

Also, let’s talk about how gout attacks your big toe.
Not the heart. Not the brain.
Your toe.
Like the disease is just trying to trip you into humiliation.
“Oh no, you don’t get to run from your problems. In fact, you don’t get to run at all.”

So now I’m hobbling around like a broke pirate with a broken compass and one flaming toe, yelling “Arrrrrgh!” not for treasure, but for ibuprofen.

To be honest, I don’t even need a cure.
I just need the government to acknowledge that I’m now technically part of the upper class.

Can I get tax benefits for this?
Do I qualify for luxury gout rehab in any part of the world?
Is there a Gout Card™ that gets me past long lines and into the VIP section of soup kitchens?

Because listen, if I’m going to suffer, I at least want to suffer in style.

HAHAHAHA

JacobM